Creating Communication Space
Help others feel supported and relaxed to keep their defenses down.
I bet you’ve experienced this: You’re talking with a friend, family member or colleague. They’ve become bored or resistant to what you’re sharing. Arms are crossed over their chest; they sigh and roll their eyes.
Should you continue? Probably not - unless it’s a teenager. Aren’t eye rolls and a bit of snark to be expected? Otherwise, it’s smart to reschedule to give yourself time to consider what could’ve caused the resistance and figure out how to prevent it happening again.
I was contracted in the mid-90s to several banking institutions to provide in-depth customer service training for their call center employees. While working on course development I said “YES!” to conducting some interesting spycraft. You’ve heard: This call may be recorded for quality assurance. For hours I listened to recordings of customer service calls. For a communication geek (I hadn’t yet been named a Wizard) this was a fascinating Lab experience.
I was able to tune into why defenses rose and what sparked frustration and conflict.
A telephone conversation can shine a light on the importance of key elements of communication: choosing well-targeted words and phrases, presenting these in a strategic order and modulating the paraverbal elements: tone, pitch and pacing.
Though talking on the telephone is intuitive for most, communicating by phone takes awareness, alertness and skill. Later in this piece I’ll share the two misspeaks I repeatedly heard.
Little Changes Make a Big Difference
The good news is that the changes required to move from talk to communication aren’t difficult to make - they’re basic and immediately applicable. A few shifts can build trust and openness, keeps defenses down and can even prevent the dreaded eye roll.
Photo by Julia Larson, courtesy of pexels.com
This boxer is in a Guard Up position. Let’s pretend this is a communication stance. We can see that virtually nothing can pierce the defenses, therefore little or no communication can land. And, it’s unlikely that more than a muffled grunt could come from them.
If this boxing analogy doesn’t click and you happen to be even a casual Star Trek fan, think of the shields the Captain raises to protect the Enterprise and her crew. I love this analogy because just as with defenses in communication, the shields used a great deal of energy, they blocked the transporter and, until they were lowered, they limited avenues of exploration and discovery.
Quick Tips to Keep Defenses Down
Remain open and curious. Ask probing questions yet, before launching into these, consider saying something like: I want to understand more about this. Are you okay with me asking a few questions? Your priority becomes clear - that you want to first understand their thoughts on the issues at hand.
Most of us RESENT know-it-alls, who show up with answers and NO questions. Many RESIST teachers, who can make us feel not smart enough OR as though we need to make uncomfortable changes.
Yet almost everyone RECEIVES learners, welcoming their curiosity, their questions and their interest in learning about us! Questions ARE, after all, the foundation for connected communication.
Avoid loaded questions such as Don’t you think ...? These can lead to stress, mistrust and shutdown.
Don’t firehose them, especially if they’re quiet. Pause and give them time to weigh in. If they are an introvert, the people who study such things say to provide an extra 8 seconds for them to respond.
Believe in their best intentions unless they prove otherwise. Never forget: It’s human nature to measure others by their actions, and to measure ourselves by our intentions.
Activate your imagination when listening. Most of us have learned about active listening, mirrored listening, etc. for years. These are excellent skills to develop, yet seemed to me to fall short. They failed to define the deeper listening I sought to practice.
I began to apply my imagination to listening. Imaginative listening asks that you first envision the landscape of your busy mind to clear a space. Then you can perceive the minds of others, in order to effectively navigate to a place of core connection.
Then, you can imagine clearing a space in the midst of your preconceived ideas and even your beliefs in order to hold what another says to you. Even if you don’t accept it, simply give it time and space. This way you can achieve an understanding of why it’s important to your co-communicator. Entertaining new ideas, individuals and perspectives is vital for personal growth.
Imaginative listening invites you to envision another’s mind, recognizing how busy it is and to think of ways to open an access path through their mental traffic. Make what you say relevant to them, tune into their questions and ideas and tap into their interests - even if the interests aren’t specific to the topic at hand.
Finally, throughout the conversation, remain alert to what is said. Be analytical regarding your communication strategies. Be agile, in order to pivot to other tactics.
ALERT - ANALYTICAL - AGILE
Clarity in communication isn’t an accident; it results from Communication Forethought. Habits of talk can be replaced, with practice, by fluency in The Language of Communication.
Photo by Prasong Takham, courtesy of vecteezy.com
Instead of GUARD UP, you’ll experience engagement and connection!
The Spy Who Loved Communication
Now, back to my call center surveillance work and how you might apply two of my findings to keep pushback and defenses down.
The first involves reps saying I’m SORRY! too quickly when pushed by an angry caller saying something like YOU PEOPLE! The reps often would say, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, though there was no mistake or issue. This caused them an immediate loss of standing, reinforcing the customer’s opinion, anger and disrespect.
It’s far better to first validate the other’s feelings I can see that you’re frustrated and I’m here to help. Let’s take a look at…. With this, the rep stands toe-to-toe with the caller and can work with them, whatever the issue might be.
Of course if there’s been an actual mistake, organizations should provide legal guidelines on how an apology I apologize on behalf of ... for ... can be stated. This should happen later in the call after relevant information has been gathered.
The second misspeak erects a wall between a speaker and a listener in a mere millisecond. When a customer called with an impossible idea for what they wanted, it’s understandable (but not wise) for the rep to say we can’t do that. Then I’d hear the frustrated or even angry customer fighting back, while the rep tried, usually in vain to say, But we CAN do this. It will even be better for you! Sadly, the customer was already behind a wall with boxing gloves on and starship shields raised.
A more effective approach is to follow the impossible request with You’ve suggested... Instead, we CAN do this… Other customers have found this to work well.
After listing benefits to get buy-in from the customer, THEN the rep might say: You offered an interesting suggestion however, current regulations won’t allow us to do that.
Putting a positive BEFORE a negative keeps you connected, whether with customers, co-workers, family or friends. Defenses stay down.
I call it: Putting the CAN before the CAN’T.
I look forward to hearing from you in the comments! Please post your questions or communication interests and needs to help me plan future issues of TCL to best meet YOUR needs.
Keep making communication MAGIC!
Gloria
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