Excuse Me?
It's a Tough Call: To Speak Up...or Not
I’m pausing the series on Communication Comfort Zones to share practices and tactics that can ease holiday communication anxieties. Dread regarding social events is nothing new, yet this year it seems that public health policies, domestic politics and foreign policy issues threaten the harmony of far too many relationships with family and friends. Instead of being able to gather and draw close to support one another’s mental and emotional well being, there’s fear that volatile issues will create unmanaged chaos, conflict and turmoil.
Your mind is like water. When it's turbulent it's difficult to see. When it's calm everything becomes clear. —Prasad Mahes, entrepreneur
A few steps towards emotional and mental preparation will equip you to manage whatever you face, freeing you to enjoy time with favorite people and the best parts of every celebration. Once you’ve got the verbiage and attitude down, you’ll be ready to say what you determine must be said—and, just as importantly—set aside the rest.
I’ll present a few thoughts here. Please feel free to share yours and ask for specific responses. I love to answer questions that begin with What can I say when….?
Mindset and Attitude
The key to making potentially fraught communication easier is to first re-language your communication within. Then you’re in a mindset in which you can re-language your communication without.
I regularly remind myself of Bruce Lee’s advice: Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.
No wonder a state of flow feels so good. It provides an internal weightlessness. Acceptance prevents rigidity, quiets frustration and clarifies confusion, all of which aid communication decisions. Flow brings exactly what we need to manage all of our regular responsibilities, while attempting to stay grounded in the hurricane-force winds of holiday gatherings and travel.
Achieving flow takes practice and awareness. Start where you are and for now, simply begin to recognize what you say to yourself when your emotions rise to negative levels such as frustration, fear or anger.
Your first communication, before you utter a sound, is your communication with yourself.
Adjust your view on the world as though you’re turning the wheel on magic binoculars, bringing a moment, a situation or an encounter into a widescreen, sharp and smart focus.
Achieving that focus can take a few turns of the wheel. This is simple to understand yet can be difficult to do as you must roll past the automatic knee-jerk reactions and set a course to achieve a broader viewpoint.
Have you heard of the concept of straw stories? We tell ourselves these stories, when we narrow our view of others to the diameter of a straw. It’s as though our window to others’ worlds is a straw-sized opening.
This happens almost unconsciously because of a tendency to fill in the blanks of what we don’t know, using the broadest of brushes. A negative slant can be natural, even understandable when someone is behaving negatively. We can easily disregard another’s background, struggles, current situation or their fears. Straw stories are self-centered and based in our fears. They grow out of broad assumptions, stereotypes, arrogance and negativity.
When considering the vastness of what can’t be known about others you’ll find more options of what you can say, as well as the freedom to let go and get into flow. This has the added benefit of keeping your mind open, clear, and sharp enough to strategically respond.
The Decision: To Speak or Not to Speak
I believe in keeping the communication music playing as much as we can. I believe we can all be teachers of one another and I think that if we place our words wisely and well, we can make a difference.
Yet it’s a dilemma. There’s always the question of whether it will be constructive. Sometimes a well-placed question or comment can be, other times it can escalate a problem. It’s a judgment call that only you can make for yourself. Don’t substitute the suggestions I’ll share here for your judgment when with your family and friends or in any travel encounter that could prove dangerous. Trust YOUR instincts.
If You Choose to Speak Up: Positive Power Lines
I will always be an introvert despite overcoming painful shyness many years ago. I was a person who would think of what I wished I’d said LONG after the encounter in which I’d been tongue tied. One of the key tools I found by observing great communicators is a concept I came to call Positive Power Lines (PPL).
That’s my name for the prefacing phrases or prepared comments that keep you from merely thinking on your feet and take you all the way to speaking on your feet. These will be on the tip of your tongue because they’ve been “downloaded” into your magnificent mind, ready to serve you.
I started collecting PPL the way some people collect adorable salt and pepper shakers. They don’t take up much space and I can never have enough! I love them.
These have helped me to speak up when I’ve not wanted to be a silent supporter, as that could make my silence as loud as what others were saying.
Positive Power Lines contain and direct your inner power. They can be delivered at low, medium or high levels of power, depending on what is required in the moment. I’ve listed a few examples below that you can keep in mind to turn what might have been a moment of tongue-tied, shocked silence into a demand for respect as well as a teaching moment.
These are best delivered with the appropriate tone and body language. Don’t pile on TOO much vocal, body language and verbal power for the situation.
There’s not one Positive Power Line that works for every instance, of course. Choose a few to commit to memory.
For offensive comments:
Excuse me??? (In an almost sarcastic, surprised tone of voice.)
I’m sure you didn’t mean that the way it sounded. If they say, I sure did! You can say, Then, that’s very disappointing.
I can only say that this has not been my experience with….. (group or individual the bully has targeted).
I’m not comfortable with those words or the thoughts behind them. (from NYPD Blue written by Steven Bochco)
Please take a step back and rethink what you said. (pause) Would you want your wife (husband, son, daughter, boyfriend, girlfriend) to be spoken to (or about) in this manner?
For controversial or political issues when you reach an impass:
Our relationship is more important than the issues we disagree on, so perhaps we can set discussion on those aside for now.
You know that we both agree on ….. however I do take exception to ……… and do not agree on that point.
I understand your opinion however, I do not agree with it.
This is a very big topic. I have some thoughts that differ with yours yet I’m going to suggest that we save that for another day.
For extremely offensive remarks or repeat offenses:
Are you aware that your remark sounded offensive and disrespectful?
What makes you think a woman (man, anyone) would want to be spoken to in that manner?
I’m going to suggest you remember that you’re not at a frat party and behave appropriately.
I’m going to ask you from now on to show me the same respect that I’ve shown you. For now, I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.
Questions buy you time, space and provide a chance to move strategically to a more advantageous position. It’s rare that you’ll want or need to meet someone head on, so be clever. Consider these options:
If you’re asked a personal question you don’t want to answer:
Why would you like to know? Or Why do you ask? are useful as initial responses. If they persist: I’m sure you mean to be helpful, but you don’t need to be concerned with that. OR I won’t bore you with all those details - let’s just not go into all that.
If someone is making outlandish or contradictory statements
You could say: You’re painting a very confused picture there. (from Gentleman Jack by Sally Wainwright)
You might ask: What are your sources for this information, I’d like to look into both your sources and the claims?
One of my favorite questions confirms the openness of others before proceeding: Are you open to some additional information on this issue? (If you hear yes, they’ve taken a step towards you and you have an opening to share your view.)
I want you to always have strategic words on the tip of your tongue for every tense moment, especially those moments that are likely to silence you, if you’re not prepared. With Positive Power Lines ready, you’ll become stronger and more self-confident in every arena in which you face any type of potential conflict.
Instead of gazing through a straw at the people and world around you, it’s in your hands to remain inquisitive, imaginative and open to a wider, heart-led view. Then, you can use the appropriate amount of power in your communication when needed to direct the dialogue in a more constructive place.
THANK YOU for reading, subscribing to and sharing The Communication Lab. I’m so grateful for you as I thoroughly enjoy writing this newsletter. I hope that each week it helps you to feel more optimistic and excited about unleashing communication’s untapped potential. Please share in the comments your ideas OR questions on how to respond in various situations. Take care!
Keep making communication magic!
@ Gloria Thomas TCL 2023