The Bully W.A.R.R.I.O.R.
Communication Comfort Zone Series [part 5]
Acronym for the WARRIOR Comfort Zone: We Aggressively Rant — Roaring: I’m OBVIOUSLY Right!
From my earliest pre-school memories, when spoken to in a harsh or angry tone, I’d blink back tears. Because I could rarely keep my eyes from overflowing, I’d seek cover and cry my heart out.
During elementary school, I befriended some neighborhood kids. I was the only girl, yet since I loved sports, the boys welcomed me to play whiffle ball, basketball, make-believe games and, everybody’s fall fave, two-hand-touch football. We rode our bikes, explored the forest, raised frogs from tadpoles, climbed trees, turned cartwheels, roller skated and skateboarded.
My ladylike southern grandmother who, along with my grandfather, lived with us, was alarmed at my fast walk, my big stride, my non-stop whistling and my way of standing up to the boys. She called me a tomboy. Hearing me whistle, she’d call out: a whistling woman and a crowing hen always come to some bad end. I must add: she was dear, caring and said that so sweetly, I never took offense.
It seemed Dada (what I called my grandad) didn’t mind a bit because I was his fishing, baseball throwing, cap-gun shooting, crabbing and pony riding buddy. He called me Little Bub.
I didn’t even realize until I was grown that a seed of resilience and strength had taken root in me during those years. I never backed down from any skirmish, even with guys older and much larger than me. I became a fierce, tough competitor and learned long before Tom Hanks (as Jimmy Dugan in A League of Their Own) said it: there’s no crying in baseball.
I was still sensitive and shy but, I’d begun to build a foundation of self-belief. Because this was intricately tied to how I expressed myself, I’d eventually come to call it Communication Confidence.
I never bought the idea that the gap between men and women is so large it’s as though they’re from different planets. In the late 90s, in response to a book whose premise I opposed, I developed and taught a class on men, women and the origins of their communication tendencies: We’re Not from Different Planets; We’re Just from Different Playgrounds.
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My blossoming power took a hit due to the social comparison and self-doubts of high school. Drama, band and art helped. Yet, for a time, I shrunk again into a shy, personalizing, people-pleaser.
In my first grownup jobs I didn’t want to be pegged as a weak or hysterical crier. Yet I’m sure I seemed as such when at age 20, I began working as a bookkeeper for a car care center that was led by a Bully WARRIOR boss. I was the target of his frequent tirades. To me, he looked just like this:
(In case you missed the intro to the Five Facets of WARRIORs):
The Bully WARRIOR
This WARRIOR comes on strong. Unlike the Icy WARRIOR, who leaves everyone guessing as to whether they’re angry, or just toying with them, The Bully WARRIOR’s calling card is filled with outspoken frustration, anger and rage. Yelling is a regular feature, along with cruel sarcastic language, put-downs and incoherent accusations. I caught my boss’s wrath for EVERYTHING that was going wrong in the shop—even parts of the work flow I didn’t touch.
He yelled and gestured wildly. I was an easy target. The guys from the shop would have fought back or clocked him.
You’re probably wondering: can there possibly be any upside to Bully WARRIOR behavior? Yes! Each facet of WIMPs and WARRIORs has upsides. If not, the behavior would end.
Upside: Bully WARRIORs get noticed. They often gain leadership roles in organizations. In the short term they can revive a team that’s been slacking off and missing productivity goals. Fear is not a good long-term motivator but in the short-term can work well. Because there’s rarely any passive aggressive moves made by them, no one need wonder where they stand. Honesty and openness underlie their bold communication.
Their take isn’t always fair, clear or right. Some shoot down ideas brought to them, even when they’ve requested suggestions.
Downside: A Bully WARRIOR is disruptive to a work team, organization or family. Factions develop and The Bully WARRIOR is kept in the dark by team members who’d rather talk about them, than to them.
Remedy: (Near the end, I’ll finish the story of my early remedy that helped me emotionally detach from my Bully WARRIOR boss.)
You can often corner a Bully WARRIOR by fearlessly, calmly standing up to them. They’ll either depart OR they’ll listen to what you’re saying. I used this on a number of occasions when interviewing powerful individuals in the early 90s.
One minute, they’d be leaning towards me after slamming both hands on the desk between us. And the next, they’d be taking a seat and opening up about sensitive issues. Most like having someone look them in the eye, showing no fear and posing a question in a steady tone of voice, fully expecting a response.
Though some communication experts have suggested matching others’ level of power or anger-fueled energy, I don’t advise that. I prefer using body language, tone of voice, facial expression and word choice to de-escalate tension and anger, and bring about calm, confident trust and connection.
If the WARRIOR doesn’t suffer from Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD) they can be reached if you tie a current situation to something or someone that holds deep meaning for them. Tapping into their emotions can bring about dramatic change.
In my first coaching session with a team leader I learned he was a father who adored his young daughter. At work, he’d been accused by two newer women on their team, of discrimination and sexual harassment for inappropriate, disrespectful remarks. Coaching was the last-ditch option to help him keep his rank and his job.
Women had only recently been hired for this work. They’d not been present in the profession for very long. He defended and tried to justify his remarks by insisting he was being funny and had just made a joke. He told me, with a bit of swagger, that the men could handle such joking. He even said that he didn’t think women had a place in their dangerous, male-dominated world and work.
I didn’t attack or confront him directly. I didn’t call him a misogynist. I’m surprised when anyone thinks a head-on verbal attack can be won without each person coming out of it damaged, and never wanting to encounter the other again. I didn’t say I understand. That could wrongly imply my agreement with him and he could have rightly said, no you don’t!
Fortunately, his loving connection to his daughter was genuine and deep. I began to ask questions that led to her. Then I brought her into context with the women he’d disrespected. He admitted there was no end to the opportunities he’d want for her. He said that he could see how angry he’d be if someone joked about her as he had done.
He was soon brushing away tears and that’s when I knew he got it. He wanted to do better and to make a better world for his precious daughter. I treasure the letters, one from him and one from his boss, about the changes he made and how much freer he felt. I love working with WARRIORS to help them connect more effectively?
Back to age 20 and My Bully Warrior Boss
My breakthrough began one morning when the boss faced a crisis. His frequent lunch date, an attractive, smart woman who worked for the same franchise at a different location, sat waiting in her car. I’d assumed they were friends, nothing more. Then his wife drove up. He freaks out and yells at ME, the only one he didn’t fear. Uh-oh. This time, instead of crying, I simply thought:
Even his issues have problems! There’s no way I’ll let this guy get to me again.
I paused to assess the situation, reframe it with my imagination, hone it with my snark and move into detached indifference to his behavior.
Digging deep, I found my still strong foundation. I could channel the girl who competed, and often won, when taking on the neighborhood guys.
Though it would take much longer, I wanted to eventually view this man and others stuck in the pain of the Bully WARRIOR, in the light of understanding and compassion.
It would be years before I would have access to a vast communication toolkit from which I could pull a response for almost every situation, giving me a high degree of communication confidence. For now, it was enough not to weep over a verbal attack that was really not about me.
Why cry when you can stand firm?
So, I stood. Head up. Grounded. Breathing. A sly smile (or was it a smirk?). Instead of Godzilla, I saw the REAL Bully WARRIOR as something far less scary, a wee bit funny, powerless and ridiculous. I saw him as a gigantic angry banana. Next, I imagined myself peeling this giant banana to find only a wee bit of fruit. Where was the power fueling the rage and anger? It was all display. Just a show.
After that, I regularly reconnected with my playground strength in high-stress situations. I often suggest that women look back to an age when they were their most fully real and unaffected (age nine was a good one for me), to tap into their detached, authentic power.
No longer would I see talkers who were harsh, angry or cruel as life- and sanity-threatening monsters. I could shift my mindset to ridicule, to humor and, eventually, to compassion.
That troubled Bully Warrior Boss taught me how to change my focus. This led to new, empowering thoughts. Those thoughts flipped the switch on my emotions. No more tears, just a calm, clear-headed, serene stance.
Here are two of my all-time favorite books on the topics of fear, shyness and sensitivity:
Feel the Fear... and Do It Anyway: Dynamic Techniques for Turning Fear, Indecision, and Anger into Power, Action, and Love by Susan Jeffers Ph.D.
The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron, PhD
Huge thanks and Happy Holidays to those of you who have read any of the first 10 issues of The Communication Lab! I appreciate you and the encouraging comments you’ve shared.
I hope you won’t need this but just in case: here’s a link to the post that provides some communication tips for holiday gatherings:
Coming up: I’ll pause the Communication Comfort Zone series for the next two weeks to share two short articles.
Next week I’ll share a lesson I learned from a brilliant 4-year-old. I’ll also give you her stellar cookie recipe! I know you’ll love Maddie and her unbridled confidence is something that I want all of us to demonstrate throughout 2024.
The following week I’ll share an excerpt from an e-book I’m writing about how to craft a memorable, touching tribute or eulogy. I’ve been asked to write and deliver these eight times (so far). It’s never easy, yet I’ve learned a few things that I think can be helpful for my readers whenever they might need or want to share thoughts, feelings and memories of a loved one — yet don’t know quite how to begin.
As always, keep making communication magic!
Gloria ©2023