Replacing the Passive / Assertive / Aggressive Communication Framework
It's Time for a More Expansive Model
This is the intro to a multi-part series. Next week we’ll dive into a concept I call Communication Comfort Zones. This will help you to identify your natural Zone. Then you can begin to employ the full spectrum of communication power. Never settle for communicating in a limited, one-size-fits-all zone called ASSERTIVE.
Good ol’ Buzz Lightyear. Sure, he crashes. Yet we love his no-limit optimism, determination and his unforgettable catchphrase: To Infinity and Beyond!
Can we hold this same expansive vision for communication? To do so we must first ditch limiting, failed parts of the communication canon. Many well-intentioned, impracticable ideas have accumulated over the years, leading us into miscommunication, confusion and frustration.
Today, I suggest that we bin the Passive, Assertive, Aggressive and (as some now add this) Passive Aggressive (PAA-PA) framework. Throughout the many decades in which we’ve employed this model as the foundation of skill-building, communication has not significantly improved. In this series I’d like to propose a replacement for it that will take you closer to communication’s Infinity and Beyond.
Note: I realize I make some observations that might sound dogmatic. That’s not my intention, so please don’t hesitate to question or challenge my assertions. My edits on each article are extensive in the interest of being succinct as possible and some context gets cut. So, please know that I’m not saying that THIS or THAT tool is THE only way to improve communication. Though I do want to contribute bold, fresh ideas that have proven helpful to me, my students and clients, I want my ideas to be advanced and improved upon by others. In classrooms or coaching sessions I love the interaction and immediacy of questions and discussion. Here, I want you to know that I WELCOME your observations and ideas.
Why did the PAA-PA model, which became Communication Canon, fail?
1. By establishing Assertiveness as the target, many communicators inadvertently move to the Aggressive power level.
When the aim is for adult students of communication to become more assertive, they’re faced with a narrow range within which they can present their ideas. They’re left believing this power must be observable. Above all, they want to avoid passivity, as that’s been deemed weak and useless.
This often happens with managers who believe they need to crack down and get tough in order to lead well. Their body language takes on a powerful stance, their gestures become more forward and forceful, their facial expression becomes serious or even severe and their vocal tone is punctuated with staccato notes. The sum of these elements means that the individual slides straight past the Assertive power range into full-on Aggression.
This can then go one of two ways - the individual and those around them become uncomfortable with the seemingly sudden departure from their comfort zone. Then, they dial back to where they were more at ease, feeling confused that Assertiveness didn’t work for them and they’re left to wonder whether they can ever become effective communicators.
Others find they enjoy this new sense of power, not realizing it’s phony. They stick with it, getting ever more Aggressive. If not being assertive/aggressive they feel they’re missing the mark. Defenses go up and turmoil grows throughout their work team and even with friends and family. Communication crashes just like Buzz Lightyear.
(See this article for more on phony power):
2. By failing to aim at the ultimate goal of communication, which is CONNECTION, this approach can become self-focused and self-centered.
It stresses (among other things) asserting oneself, being heard, bluntly saying no and establishing boundaries. Each of these can be a good goal, yet the first thought for every communicator MUST be: Who am I trying to connect with, what is important to them and how can I listen well to determine their needs and wants?
I recently wrote about keeping defenses down to create space in communication events.
The PAA-PA framework fails to provide a process for keeping others’ defenses down. If it did, it would encourage communicating in a Passive style with almost everyone, raising the power level only when necessary. This becomes vital when communicating with someone who is shy, anxious or feeling intimidated. We share a need to feel safe, welcomed and heard. Assertive communication can shut others down.
Think of Fred Rogers and how his character, Mister Rogers, first sought to make his young listeners feel safe. He seemed to always be attuned to others. His gentle style used numerous passive communication skills. The inner confidence and real power that Fred Rogers possessed allowed him to dial down his power, knowing he could always raise it should he ever need to. His priority, his focus, his way was to connect.
3. By limiting the accessible range of power, this framework greatly limits the size of your Communication Tool Kit.
Communication tactics and tools are much like a form of currency. The more you possess the better off you are. Becoming fluent in the entire spectrum of communication equips you with subtle, well-fitted tools you can use to connect with almost anyone. You meet them where they are and avoid overpowering them. When faced with an Aggressive communicator, you’re able to rise to the power level that’s needed. Being able to flow from passive, to assertive and even to aggressive gives your communication subtlety, unpredictability and amazing versatility.
4. By distinguishing with PAA-PA only three (or four) broad engagement styles, this model fails to acknowledge the subsets intrinsic to each.
The good news is that many communication experts have filled this gap by identifying types of communicators. I’ll share my take on this in upcoming weeks. There’s a fascinating variety of expressions within each segment of the communication power spectrum. It’s important to acknowledge the strengths in each as well as the challenges they bring. Most important is this:
None of these three styles is wrong or to be avoided. Each has value and can be effective in specific situations. Communicating assertively should NOT be the key aim of communication skill-building.
In next week’s article I’ll share more about Communication Comfort Zones. I’ve found it best to work within the Comfort Zone of my students and clients, not requiring them to change their basic nature and approach. I simply teach them how to dial into power in a new way that makes building their communication skills authentic, easier and more palatable for them and everyone in their lives.
I’ll also introduce you to an easily recognized Communication Comfort Zone characterized by a low-level of power. There are strengths and weaknesses associated with this - and every other zone.
Our shared futures depend upon our commitment to communication. If we change how we communicate and begin to connect with honesty, clarity, respect and confidence, we can change the world.
Please share this article with anyone who might like to join our conversation in The Communication Lab. Nothing happens without communication - and with it -everything becomes possible. To Infinity and Beyond!
Let’s make communication magic!
Gloria
© 2023